"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
