You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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