my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
