why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
