I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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