when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
