trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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