I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
