I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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