Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
not ubering you a puppy
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize