woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize