I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
