New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
