I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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