do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
