i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
