the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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