I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
