What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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