I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
