he wants to bone in the snuggie
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
