our cab driver is having phone sex.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I FOUND THE LEGS
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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