In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
