is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
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