Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
