well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
