I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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