Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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