The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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