FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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