do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize