the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
