I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
