I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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