remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
