you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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