sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
