I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
