respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
