Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
