You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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