My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
