the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
