I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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