Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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