I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
