To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Randomize
