Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
