Swine flu. Run for my life!
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
