I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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