Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
