Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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