you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
