Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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