mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
