Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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